[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Brian Griffin: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Prince Adam: [draws Sword of Power] [shouts] I have the power! [becomes He-Man]

[about Jessica Alba]
Don LaFontaine: If I were forty years younger I would plow that until next July.

Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

Cleveland: [as Mr. T] [shouts] I pity the fool! [normal voice] But I also suggest ways that he may better himself.

[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!

Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.

Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?

Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!

Brian Griffin: [laughing]
Ms. Romano: Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider: Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin: Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?

Peter Griffin: Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians.
[blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks.

George: [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help! [he falls] Jane! [he falls again] Stop this crazy thing! [he falls again] Ahh! [falls] Help! [falls]

[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.

Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?

Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity!

Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know how to say it!

Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. [laughs] I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.

Darren (On Bewitiched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!

Peter Griffin: [throwing holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you!

Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you plan to pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.

Stewie Griffin: [talking to very old prostitute] So, is there any tread on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin: [talking to a prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Peter Griffin: Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin: No, I crashed out about an hour ago.

Teeth # 1: Okay.
Teeth # 1: One, two...
Stewie Griffin: Ah!

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless. [leaves]

Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that [beep] camera out of my face! [smashes the glass of the camera]

Peter Griffin: [shouts] Rock lobster!

[repeated line]
James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy.

Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.

Brian Griffin: Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin: What does that say into me? Oh, go [beep] yourself Diane.
[Brian spits]
Stewie Griffin: She said a swear!

Peter Griffin: Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple!
Speed Racer: Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha!
Man: This is not affecting us all! Haha!
Speed Racer: Haha!

Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

Peter Griffin: 1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin: Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin: Money, money, money!

Chris Griffin: The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run!

[repeated line]
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

Peter Griffin: Please rise. Now sit on it. [everyone sits] May the Fonz be with you.
People In Church: And also with you.
Peter Griffin: Let us ayyy.
People In Church: Ayyyy.
Peter Griffin: And now a reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.

Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.

Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

Joe Swanson: At least I can do this: [singing] ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man: [electronic voice] [monotonous] Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.

Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?

Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.

Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer!

Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!

[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.

Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh. [pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]

Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie. [cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!

Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!

Lois Griffin: What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?
Peter Griffin: [shouts] No Coke! Pepsi!

Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire?

[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?

Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.

[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?

Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!

Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!

[the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?

Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.

Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey!

Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?

Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.

Chris Griffin: All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How does he know about the machine?

Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?

Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible".

Glen Quagmire: Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.

Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.

Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.

Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.

[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.

Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?

[Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation? [slaps Peter] GOD [slaps Peter] IS [slaps Peter] PISSED.

[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.

Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame]

[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.

[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.

[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.
[runs off]

Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD. [runs off crying]

Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.

Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.

[Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.

[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Um... Lee Majors said it.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.

Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.

Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?

[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing? [pause] Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.

Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.

Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?

[Shamus has four wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.

Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women.
[pauses]
Quagmire: Ahhhhhhh!

[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.

Adam West: [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.

Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Stewie Griffin: [to his grandmother] I smell death on you.

Stewie Griffin: [to a masseuse] Sh, sh, sh, no conversation.

Stewie Griffin: [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!

Stewie Griffin: [thinks] How wonderful it will be to have mother back!
Brian Griffin: [thinks] I heard that.
Stewie Griffin: [thinks] Damn!

Stewie Griffin: [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!

Lois Griffin: Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.
Peter Griffin: Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.

Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.

Peter Griffin: Could you sign this book please.
Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry! [swallows Peter whole]

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".

Glen Quagmire: [to feminist woman] The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who likes strong men] I can bench press 800 pounds.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who loves jazz music] You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!

Peter Griffin: They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.

Peter Griffin: Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.

Meg Griffin: Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?

Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

[repeated line]
Stewie: What the deuce?

Brian: Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.

Guy in chicken costume: The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K.
Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

[hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Glen Quagmire: Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

GPS System: Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin: [sighs] That got old real fast.

Meg Griffin: Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin: That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!

Peter Griffin: Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
[Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris Griffin: HEY.
Peter Griffin: He did it.
[Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it]

Stewie: Mark my words, your uppance shall come.

Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

[Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user]
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

Chris Griffin: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin: Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter... [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid big time!

[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?

Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill...
[Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin]
Pillsbury Doughboy: Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!

Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother!

[Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past works]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?
Peter: Nope... never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?
Peter: No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Party of Five"?
Peter: Was that a porno?

Peter Griffin: Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.

Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!

Disabled Man: [with electronic voice] A sphincter says what?
Joe Swanson: What?
Disabled Man: Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.

Disabled Man: [electronic voice] That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom.

Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.

Peter Griffin: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle.
Peter Griffin: Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?

[waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie]
Peter Griffin: Hooold it... hooooold it...

[Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well]
Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Glen Quagmire: HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.

Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?

Stewie Griffin: Hey! Look at this [bow tie spins in a circle] Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee! [pulls out a cigar] Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!

[after having sex]
Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?

Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

Quagmire: [walks between two women] sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?

Chris Griffin: [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.

Stewie Griffin: [looking at a picture of Jesus] Look at Jesus over there all by himself!
[referring to another picture]
Stewie Griffin: You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.

Randy Savage: I must be in Quahog, cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!

Stewie Griffin: [pointing a mind-control device at Lois] Aha, mother. So we meet again.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie Griffin: Not tightly enough, you see.

Stewie Griffin: The life of the wife is ended by the knife.

Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

[Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters]
Peter Griffin: Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.

Peter Griffin: [Peter is dressed as Gary, the No-Trash Cougar] Pick up your trash! [takes out a gun and waves it around] Pick up your trash!
Peter Griffin: [points to a wayward cup] I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [fires two shots into the ceiling] I said, I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [little girl raises her hand] Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! [little girl picks up the cup]
Peter Griffin: Thank you, sweetie! You see what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in?
Peter Griffin: Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, "Give a lobbage - throw out your garbage" [fires two more shots into the ceiling]

Brian Griffin: You know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris Griffin: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.

Lois Griffin: [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.

Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me. [takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets]
Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Watch me shave.

Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
[Peter trips over a skateboard]

Stewie Griffin: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

Brian Griffin: Cut. Print. Gay.

Police Scanner: We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.
Brian Griffin: Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?

Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!

Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago! [Stewie shoots Lois]

Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

Cleveland (R2-D2): Who the hell are you?
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): One lucky sum-bitch!

Cleveland (R2-D2): You still got that bag?

Announcer: This program is brought to you by Asian Trix.
[Commercial with three kids and the rabbit]
Child: Sill, wabbit. Trix are for kids.
Trix Rabbit: You Share. [Kills children]

[Sees a sumo wrestler]
Peter Griffin: Wow, you put on weight, Jackie Chan.

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Oh come on, plenty of people cheat! [ cut to Ashley Simpson about to sing, deep voiced soul song comes on, Ashley Simpson panics and jigs off the stange]

Cleveland Brown: [Peter and his friends are impersonating the A-Team] [as B.A. Baracus] I pity the fool!
Cleveland Brown: [Normal voice] But I also suggest ways in which he may better himself.

Peter Griffin: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]

Joe Swanson: BRING IT ON!

Peter Griffin: Sorry but I don’t take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could ...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!

Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be ...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL. AND WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET. DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DA-NA-NA-DA!

Mayor Adam West: Jem, you are outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous...

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?

Peter Griffin: Well how about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Adam West: No!

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?

Stewie Griffin: Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Stewie Griffin: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.

Diane Simmons: Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
Peter: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNCLE TOM?

Joe Swanson: Nice going, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: Thanks!

Richard Gere: Okay peter start the egg hunt! Guess where the egg is.
Peter Griffin: Its in your bum.
Richard Gere: No. [Makes angry smirk] Guess.
Peter Griffin: Its in your bum.
Richard Gere: Peter that is just a horrible rumor! It is not in my butt!
Peter Griffin: Well fine then.
Richard Gere: Fine.
Richard Gere: [Rodent crawls out of his pants and grabs the easter egg]

Driver: [watching Madagascar] Man, those animals are so fucking funny!

Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my imaginary friend Captain Sprock!

Peter Griffin: [about the Golden Idol his followers have built of him] Wow! I look like an Emmy!
Peter Griffin: [pause] Hint, hint.

Peter Griffin: Hey, excuse me, is your refrigerator running, because if it is, it probably runs like you... *very* homosexually.

Peter Griffin: I have an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Lois Griffin: Give us the pills! [takes the pills]

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

Peter Griffin: I have an idea so smart, that my head would explode if I even begin to know what I was talking about!

Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.

Stewie Griffin: Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert save it for the interns.

Brian Griffin: [to Stewie] You shot me in both legs and set me on fire. Piss off.

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Carter Pewterschmidt: What do you want, homo?

Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!

Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter! [Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]

Peter Griffin: There is no Peter, there is only Zule!

Lois Griffin: [dressed in a school uniform] Oh i need a spanking, ive been a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: Im a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit-points, i can use my helm of disintegration and do one d4 damage as my half mage elf wields his +5 holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladins cant use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh, ok, then im a black guy.

Stewie Griffin: Ohhh, Bitch, You got jacked bitch!

Man: [quick dialog] Speed, I do not think you should be in this race, hahaa! The Mach 5 is not ready, hahaa!
Speed Racer: But Pops, I must be in this race, hahaa!
Man: Very well. Gaah, you know I am not your real father, hahaa!
Speed Racer: [shocked look] Aaah!

Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo.
Brian Griffin (MacFarlane, Seth): Yes, yes it is.

Peter Griffin: Hey what do you think they put in the bug juice?
Brian Griffin: ...Bugs?
Peter Griffin: No way!... No they don’t!... shut up!... come on!

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP?

Stewie Griffin: [Brian walks in] Oh, splendid! Fido McCoke-fiend is home.

Cleveland: Peter, you should never get involved with the mob.
Biff: Who do you think YOU are?
Cleveland: I happen to be the owner of this delicatessen.
Biff: Okay, well, butt out, Shlomo.

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is... flaming.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter Griffin: You...

Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.

The Don: You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. Now I ask you... why should I kill this Count Chocula?
Captain Crunch: Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies. My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth... with all respect.